So what's new??

Uummmmmmmm.................earthquakes. Yea, thas right, we had an earthquake Tuesday morning. Yes, I do live in Georgia. It was pretty cool considering it was mild and it wasn't especially near by --it originated near the Georgia / Alabama state line. Also, I assume that no one was hurt or killed, otherwise it woulda sucked. That was the first earthquake I have ever been in. I had jus dozed off and was awoken as everything in my room began to rattle and shake. I felt the motion getting increasingly stronger. At first everything was kinda shaking from side to side, but as it grew to a climax my bed started to feel like it was on a foundation of jello that was slowly spinning on a merry-go-round and bouncing up and down. So if you get curious what's like, find a friend to beat a merry-go-round with a giant stick while you go spinning about very slowly.

In other news I have found out that I am a slacker. This guy stops by my work talking about finals tomorrow. I ask him how many hours he works and goes to school. He says 40 hours a week fer work and full time school. I am doing 7, was 8, hours of school and 35 hours a week at work, but I am excelling in neither, actually my work skills have been meager and my school skills are on the decline. Yet I have been pretending that I am always so busy, which it feels that way, but maybe it's my attitude. No, I know what it is--a major mismanagement of time. The truth hurts bad, so I'm gonna try to change this. It's not that I am lazy because I'm not lazy, never will be. It's jus that it can be hard fer me to come out of my shell. I'm one part shy/introverted/quiet and another part social phobia/general anxiety disorder ridden. What a mix.

I wish that I had a coach who understood my concerns with my self-diagnosed social and general anxiety disorders, and set an example before me to follow. My interactions with strangers have been altogether painful, and strangely I love people!? I dread doing things like home-teaching because: a) I don't have anything to say b) It's hard fer me feel comfortable and be natural in these preplanned activities where I feel that I have to act a certain way and do x, y, z things. Other things I have no understanging why it is so hard, it jus is. Like reading in front of people. I like to read, and I think that I read well, I read clearly and I stress the right words to keep it interesting, but if it goes fer over a minute or so I start to get nervous, and sweaty and my voice starts to quiver and I worry that I messed up somewhere and jus didn't notice. Truthfully, it's hilarious to think about now, but I don't understand why it happens.

Like the other day in class my teacher asks me to put a problem up on the board. Immediately I am visually stressed and doing things like taking deep breaths, putting my hand on my forehead as if I had a headache, writing squigley lines instead of legible ones because my hand is shaking so bad, and making the same mistake 3 times over again. I wrote something once and said, "Oh wait, that's not right", erased it and wrote it again, then erased that and still wrote the same thing again. This is so funny now that I am talking about it, but I don't understand why it happens. But I know that the front of the classroom thing is normal and I jus take it in stride and laugh about it every chance I get, but my social phobias really hold me back. It's a shame.

I wish that I had blind confidence like my brother. He jus does whatever he pleases, oblivious to his own mistakes, other people's feelings, and what they think. Wow, I never would've thought that was a desirable skill, but I wish that I had a little bit of that sometimes. Actually, I am grateful to have him fer my bro because sometimes I can take courage by assuming his attitude. But when I explain to him how somethings are hard fer me, I think that he jus thinks that I'm weird. Lol. So it jus seems to keep me exiled rather than lead me out of it.

What's hard? Speaking to people at the counter in stores (basically every time I approach a counter of any sort I get this bad feeling in my stomach), asking questions in class, asking the guy at walmart where to find something, talking to my dentist/doctor's office on the phone, going to a stranger's house, visiting a neighbor, hanging out with males--even my friends, playing sports with men is very painful, speaking up when somebody did something to me, speaking up is usually hard, being candid with adults--actually being candid is prolly what I struggle with most, being in these preplanned social gatherings, like ysa activities fer my church, freakin kills me. The way that I dealt with this in the past was jus not care about anything and not care about what's right or wrong and do whatever the heck I wanted, and you know what?--it worked, and I had a blast, but I lost myself along the way. So now I want to do everything the right way--what's right according to my conscience--and boy is it ever a difficult slap in the face. It has only gotten harder the older I get, as I wonder why even new things are bothering me, it's jus silly. But alas, I am a tortured soul. Of course somedays are better than others, and I find myself cracking jokes and dealing with unbecoming events and people with ease and enjoying every minute of it. But the anxiety over hometeaching never ceases. Fun times. What's the remedy?